I was just reading through my old posts, one in particular kind of caught me off guard. Changes. In that post I wrote about wondering where the time went, how I was going to be EIGHTEEN soon and probably moving out. Now I’m sitting here, almost 21, living in a different province, going “What happened!?” all over again.
Thinking back on the past few years is not an easy thing for me to do. The past few years have been really rough, sometimes I forget just how rough. When I do take a deep breath and take a peek at what my life used to be, and who I used to be, it physically hurts. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes and I’m not sure why I get so emotional, why my heart aches so badly. It could very well be that I still remember exactly how I felt then, and how sometimes it still haunts me, sometimes I can see the haze of it in the background of my life. Maybe on some level I’m afraid it’s going to come back.
Where I am now is a good place. Sometimes I get caught up in the details and the lack of plans that I have for my life at this point, but who I am now is a better version of me than I thought I’d ever be. Maybe that scares me? Maybe it excites me. I haven’t figured it out. I’ve changed jobs, changed provinces, changed churches, and lifestyle, and some opinions, I’m more confident, less flighty. I’m living in a situation I never thought I’d have the chance to be a part of. I’m a full-time aunt and a little sister, and everything I’ve known for the past almost ten years was ripped away because of one decision. But I can see so many little details, so many little pieces, that God so carefully put together for this. The bigger picture hasn’t started to reveal itself yet, but I am daily in awe of how the hell this ever could have happened to me.
Over the summer I was making plans to move in with my sister in BC, very long story short, it happened. With lots of prayer, searching, intentional conversations, and everything just falling into place piece by piece, I packed up my little red Kia and drove 12 hours to my live with my sister and her family, who, besides short visits and seeing as a young child. I really didn’t know.
It was really hard at first, like ridiculously hard, and maybe I’ll write about some of that at some point, but after 7 months I’m feeling pretty settled. I have a pretty good idea of where I stand and I have some plans and ideas for what I want to do in the fairly near future. Moving here was by far the biggest and scariest decision I have ever made for myself, but it as also by far the best one. I get to be an Auntie to some pretty amazing kids, they have completely stolen my heart and believe me, I’m never getting it back. I have also had the opportunity to start a relationship with my sister. Quick recap here, we are half sisters on my dads side and she is just over 10 years older than me, we used to see each other when I was really young and lived in BC, but since moving to Edmonton when I was 8 we have had very little contact with each other. So driving to another province to move in with her was a pretty big leap. But if I hadn’t followed God’s promptings, and had never made the decision to move out here, and if she hadn’t been willing to take me in the way she has, I don’t know if we ever would have had another opportunity like this. And thinking about that now breaks my heart.
I guess what I’m trying to say is yes, time is always there, always moving, but time brings so many new and good things. I used to be afraid of the future, afraid of who I would be and where I would be. Would I still be single at 25? Married? What kind of job would I have? Would I be happy? Successful? Would I ever learn to work around my mental illness? I still don’t know the answer to those questions and to so many more, but I’ve realized (in my heart, my head always knew) that I don’t need to know all the answers. My job is to do the best with what I have at any given moment. Time brings with it all of Gods plans for our lives when they are ready to be implemented. I think that is exhilarating.
Side-note: I did not realize how much I missed blogging. Like, “phew” that felt so good. I totally thought that I would blank and that my writing style would have died because I haven’t done anything with it but, uh, it’s still there. Little rusty, but still there.